She stood outside the hospital room, her id and superego are in a constant battle with one another. 'Should I tell him now?', meditating on the course of her action before putting it into play. She stared at the door knob for a good half an hour now, 'But he might find it troublesome..' Hinata clenched her chest tightly like that of a person suffering from a heart attack. Her head started to hurt from all the thoughts of wanting to see Naruto and not being a bother to him. 'Maybe some other time…' she whispered to herself , but her hand is already reaching for the door knob. She was startled when the door suddenly creaked and Sakura appeared. 'Hinata-chan, did you come to visit?', Sakura asked her warmly. 'Y-yes' she replied nervously and she started to turn red. She turned her head to the side to hide away her embarrassment. 'He's asleep, I think you'll be able to talk to him tomorrow. I just went in to check on his progress.', Sakura said thoughtfully reading the worried expression on Hinata's face, although she could not hide the" i-can't-guarantee-that" tone from the young woman who she knew so well would jump in front of any situation to save her reckless teammate. 'I should give her some time', Sakura thought to herself. 'I'll leave him to you, Hinata-chan.' Hinata watched as Sakura disappeared into the hallway, she then entered the room, closed the door slowly, careful not to make a sound. She stood there breathless as she lay her eyes on a sleeping Naruto. 'He's much more tame in his sleep', she thought to herself as she reached to touch his face, hesitating for a minute as he winced and got back to his unconscious state. She gently caressed his face. 'I'm sorry Naruto-kun, I just really want to feel how it is to touch you...', she let out a sigh as she sits herself down on the bed.
' Sometimes, I wonder if you're just a product of my imagination, If I'm actually delirious. But you're not. You're every bit real and I'm glad that I was able to meet you.' She faced the window, she welcomed the autumn breeze as it brushes off her hair filling the room with her sweet scent. Naruto, again winced, pain written all over his face. Hinata ran her hands through his blonde locks. Her touch has soothed his discomfort. He let out a small smile, as if responding to her touch. Hinata's cheeks started to turn pink, surprised by his reaction. 'Naruto-kun, am I really that unattractive? I know I'm not pretty, I'm not that smart or my personality that desirable…but…but is there any chance that you will ever come to like me?!', her voice was so high-pitched, it was close to screaming, she then stopped herself when she remembered that Naruto was fast asleep. 'Naruto-kun...I don't know if destiny will be good to me…but I just can't bring myself to give up on you. I will always love you, even if it means that I have to do that in the shadows.' She fought back the tears as her emotions started to well up in her chest. 'Get well soon, Naruto-kun…I can't wait to see you smile again.' Hinata held Naruto's hand to her face. She let herself feel the warmth of his hand. She slowly let down his hand and tucked it to his side. She lingered for several seconds before leaving the room.
It's a really good fanfic for your 1st one, I love your use of words. You convene the emotions really well. You might want to look out for spelling errors in there. Here is one "Hinata clenched her chest tightly like that of a person suffering a heart attack." You said suffering a heart attack instead for suffering from a heart attack. That this the one small error i noticed i hope that this will help you. Also be sure not to rush your self into making the next chapter in a time limit. Be sure to give your self all the time you need. I will be looking forward to the next chapter!
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.
This was really good! I love how you described her actions toward Naruto and how she reacted to Sakura. The thing that I liked the most is how Naruto did not wake up when she touched him. Not even her voice woke him up. That really makes you believe he was somehow hurt. This also leaves you at a cliff hanger, something that will leave others wanting more and begging you to write a sequel. Even if you did not write a part two, it helps you imagine what would happen next and possibly helping and inspiring others to do a fanfic. Again this is one of the best fanfics I have read.Now we just have to cross our fingers that Hishimoto will make our dreams come true. Again,good job!
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.
its great i love it
You know it rite
great fic, i agree with the two critiques below. also you should totally write a part 2!
omg!arigato gosaimas..Im halfway through with chapter 2...i hope i could finish it soon. Thanks so much for the support!
wew... subo pro nami... bitin galing..
hahaha lol...may sugpon pa ni sa xD salamat!
Please keep goin!!!!
oh my...XD im working on chapter 2 right now...ill submit it as soon as possible...Arigato gosaimas :iconcrforeverplz:
love it! Please continue!